I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
