Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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