Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
