I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
