God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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