i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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