see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
