Cold hands, warm shart.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
