does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I want a musical about memes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
