Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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