im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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