Where did you get a picture of my penis
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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