Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
