Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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