we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
