ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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