shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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