Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this will be a night to untag.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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