i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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