Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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