All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
