I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
