were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
