He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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