Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
