had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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