Your mouth is God's brothel.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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