Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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