haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
