I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My bed smells like the plague
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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