Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
