bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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