whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
