I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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