12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
