Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
