david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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