Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This toilet bowl is my home.
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