She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
