i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
