God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The adults are the big ones right?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
