3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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