I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
