note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
