Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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