Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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