she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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