in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
