I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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