I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
