You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
