just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
