dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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