he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
