Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
