You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
