Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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