you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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