I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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