it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
