You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's never too late to be topless.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
They took my balls.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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