textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize